Many triathletes write a race report after a triathlon. It is filled with numbers that represent transition times, mile splits, heart rate zones, calories consumed and wattages of power put out. Well I did great in math until high school when they started putting letters in my numbers and called it something like, "Aljeebrah." So what I'm saying is, I wouldn't know what to do with those numbers if they came up and 8 me (see what I did there, I put a number in my letters).
I loves me some words so I'm going to give you my Ironman 2012 experience in the form of a movie. Well, since I have been so richly blessed with the gift of ADHD I won't give you the movie because at 10 thoughts per second for twelve hours and forty two minutes that would make me tireder than actually doing the Ironman thingy. (Yes, "tireder" is a word if you have just done an Ironman. Ask anybody who has done one.)
So I will just give you the description of the characters that played a role in my Ironman movie.
Our Founding Fathers - In 1978 a few guys got into an argument on who was the better endurance athlete; runners, cyclists, or swimmers. So they met a couple of weeks later and put together a medley of the longest swimming, cycling, and running events. A 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike (previously a two day event), and the 26.2 mile marathon. No training plans, no nutrition research, no heart rate monitors. I love what I heard when watching one of the earlier Ironman DVD's. One of the athletes passes some fans after about 80 miles on the bike and says, "I'm really hungry, anybody got a banana?" Yep, no nutrition, a bottle of water on his bike and his heart pounding out of his chest. The numbers geeks did not win the early Ironmans. The cavemen did. Each one of them actually won because they won the competition with themselves. No need to be jealous of anybody else out there. It was just a competition between themselves and the 140.6 mile course. Mano y mano against the Ironman.
Me - Let's just say I grew up on a dirt road just outside of Tallahassee next to what is now Killearn Estates. I played outside all day and chased lightning bugs into the night. My Mom and Dad owned a store with a very large bike section. I rode my bike from my house to my parents' store and my girlfriend's house on the opposite side of town and to Wakulla Springs and to Carabelle. Maybe I rode my first century when I was 15 years old, but who knows? I wasn't worried about miles I just had places to go and people to see. My parents were not the kind to say "You need to think outside the box!" They just never let me know there ever was a box.
The Leading Lady - Sherrie represents what an Ironman should be; she is passionate, she is driven, she is hard working, and she gets better because she works at it. She is also a force of nature on the bike. God took an iron backbone and an iron will and gift wrapped her in the most beautiful woman skin he had. She also must have the patience of the zoo's giraffe neck scratcher because she is married to me and truly shows me how to be a better Ironman. Forrest Gump is cute in a movie but imagine how exasperating it would be to talk him through the intricate details of a set of bike intervals followed by run pick ups all the while trying to tell him how to track his heart rate percentage and bike wattage output. He nods his head and says "uh huh," and it appears the lights are on, but it's really only a motion detector. And then she has to wake up the next day and do it again. And again. And again. Kind of like Forrest Gump starring in Groundhog Day. Sainthood, I'm telling you, sainthood.
IronLove - There is a third character in every marriage. That third character is the marriage itself. It often gets ignored as people seek to get their own needs met. While other couples do things like travelling to see leaves change together, Sherrie and I choose to sweat and push and travel hundreds of miles in a pool, on our bikes, or in our running shoes together. There is something being built deep and strong into our relationship here and it's pretty inexplicable. (And I love trying to use lots of really cool words to be very explicable.) To start an Ironman with a kiss from your wife as the ocean laps at your feet knowing what you both are about to go through and to have a bookend kiss on the other side of 140.6 miles knowing what you both have been through is amazingly crazy cool. We also agree to respect Ironman enough race it to our best individually. We play cat and mouse all day long with sightings and passings and words of encouragement. I beat her by five minutes last year. She beat me by five minutes this year. Next year, as I posted on her Facebook status, "G.O. Girrrl!!! (Game On Girrrl!!!) This may sound like blasphemy here in the south, but this iron bond thing may even be stronger than Duct Tape.
Mac - The inspiration for our perspiration. Maggie, Charlie, and Savannah Crutchfield work hard to keep the spirit, memory, and name of their son alive. We are so happy to be a part of spreading Mac's vine especially because it represents the pure faith, joy, and intensity of a 12 year old boy. Sherrie and I love being a part of team Ironmac (www.maccrutchfieldfoundation.com ) because it somehow gives a sane rationalization to this insane fun.
The Coach - Nothing like having a Double Ironman Champion that essentially lives in your neighborhood to coach you up. Who wouldn't love a coach whose favorite phrases are "It's all good!" and "You've got to eat more!"? Chuck Kemeny appears to be such a nice guy. However, I imagine the lightning bolts striking near his house and the wolves howling at the moon as he takes on that "Evil Chucky Doll" personna when he writes out those dastardly workouts.
The Ironman Training Piggy Bank - It's always interesting to bust open a year's worth of training on one day and see what you've got stored up in there. Some days you put in a penny's worth of training, some days a quarter and probably those 103 degree days in August you rode 120 miles or ran 22 and felt your worst; those were probably the wadded up dolllar bills you crammed into your little training piggy bank. The most important muscle in Ironman training may be the one at the tip of the index finger. That is the one that pushes the button to set the alarm clock. Push it to go off at 5:00 am and there is a 99% chance we are getting up to do our workout. Don't push it and the chance drops to slightly below zero!
The Other Ironmen To Be - The beauty of this sport at my level is that the other athletes are all truly pulling for you.There is still no need for jealousy here. We are all out to get one thing. To hear the words as you cross the finish line,"...you are an Ironman!"
My two favorite were:
The Guy Who Yelled "You are relentless!" as I passed him on the bike at about mile 80 - I guess we had been going back and forth for a while but I really had not noticed. I yelled back, "Not really, just unmedicated ADHD!"
The Guy I passed On The Run Who Heard His Big Square Beep Beep Thing On His Left Wrist And Then Consulted Some Kind Of Multi-Colored Chart Written Down His Left Forearm: Sorry you missed your Ironman experience listening for your beep-beep and consulting your binomial diagram on your arm. There's lots to see and hear and plenty of people to talk to and lots of volunteers, law enforcement officers and volunteers to thank. Thank you for reminding me of how I will always want to do this stuff Caveman Style. 12 year-old boy Caveman Style!
The Fans - It is crazy to think that people will get up at 5 am and stay until midnight cheering and high fiving people they don't even know. My favorite signed summed it up best as one woman stood and cheered for hours with a sign that said, "Go, Strangers, Go!"
The Point Guard - As I ran passed one group of teen-agers I noticed one of them practicing his basketball dribbling skills in the driveway. His basketball goal stood out over the road. Life slowed down as I realized a Bucket List moment could be happening. Now in order for a Bucket List item to happen you have to have thought about the possibility before. Yes, I have seen many a basketball goal on a triathlon course and actully thought to myself, "Man, I wish a kid was out here to dish me an assist so I could just score a lay-up!" Well now was my chance, "Hit me with a pass, dude!" I yelled at the unsuspecting teen. "I can't turn around, hit me for a layup now!" And he did. Life went into slow motion. This had to be perfect, like Eminem said, "You got one shot..." I looked the pass into my hands, took one dribble, a step, I knew my upper body had to stretch because after 130 miles there wasn't going to be lot of "ups." I stretched my arm up, put a lot of arc on the ball. The ball kissed the glass and fell straight through the net! "Swish!" said the net. "MONEY!" I replied. If I am not the leading basket scorer in Ironman history, I am sure I am in the top ten. I can die a happy man knowing that will be etched on my tombstone.
The Last Mile - The last mile of an Ironman is the purest sense of energy I have ever felt on earth. You know you have worked at something for a full year and this is the final piece of wrapping paper you are tearing off. All the other athletes, friends, family, and strangers that are there have an idea of how hard you worked to get here. So, while you are high fiving strangers you are high fiving people who have an idea of what you have been through to get here. Turns out, there are no strangers in Ironman, just commrades we haven't met yet.
Roll Credits - The rolling of the credits begins immediately after you finish as everyone you come across, stagger by, or squat next to says, "Congratulations!" or "Great job!" even though they never saw if you did a great job or not. My favorite quote after the race came as a truck stopped to let me stiff leggedly hobble by. I said, "Thanks!" And a female voice from the dark yelled back, "Ironmen always have the right of way!"
That ought to be a law.
At least for a couple of days, "Ironmen always have the right of way!"ought to be a freaking law.
I just designed my tombstone.
